Caveat: This post is mine and mine alone. I the author of this blog assure you, the reader, that any of the opinions expressed here are my own and are a result of the way in which my meandering mind interprets a particular situation and or concept. The views expressed here are solely those of the author in his private capacity and do not in any way represent the views of other martial arts and/or conflict/violence professionals or authors of source materials. It should be quite obvious that the sources I used herein have not approved, endorsed, embraced, friended, liked, tweeted or authorized this post.
Westerners think of goals in terms of winning. We are sport oriented and sport is deeply ingrained in our culture. Our culture is one of the youngest this world has today while other nations and peoples tend to have cultures that span not only generations but centuries. It seems that winning is the driving force of our emotionally charged personalities that some refer to as the “monkey.”
I am a western and southern born person who knows from personal experience that winning is paramount in all the things we westernized humans do and say. We are exposed to the winning attitude from the moment we are conscious of the Sunday or Friday night football season (I am not picking on football, just using it since it is a very common symbol of sport, competition and winning.).
When we are in conflict we think, breath and desire a goal of “Winning” above any other considerations. The monkey in all of us thinks, breathes and believes that there is nothing more important than winning, even dying is less important to the monkey than winning. So much of what is written on conflict and violence today, at least in my sources, is about that aspect of the monkey dance. After all, it can be said that the most conflict and violence one might encounter in modern times, barring military service or service in the professions dealing with it, is the socially driven monkey mind conflict and violence.
As I begin to enter my “winter years” I contemplate the importance of winning. I am at least considering what I define as a win especially when it comes to conflict and violence regardless of the type and the probability of my encountering it. I know, personally, that conflict and violence is a part of human existence and I know that a lot of it is termed something else and therefore more acceptable even when it still means being violent.
I also feel, personally, that we immerse all of our human kind into a world that has two, ultimate goals, of winning and not losing. We make movies and television shows that are often unrealistic, because that is how we get drama into the story, and goal-oriented to the winning and losing model. Our sports are competitive and winning is everything. Even the belief system when raising boys vs. girls still consists of hard playing sport oriented winning is all world vs. a more compliant personality expected of the female of the species. You know the old adage, “Boys are made of snips and snails and puppy dog tails while girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice.” It still applies although not so much as in the past, girls are getting more aggressive and are just as dangerous in the fight.
I am less worried bout whether I win or lose in such a competitive community but still, the monkey still tries hard to get me there and in smaller ways I am still about winning even tho the win or loss is more psychological in nature than in competitive sport ways. My martial arts is more about handling conflict and violence where my idea of a win is how I can avoid violence and get a mutual beneficial result that leaves me safe, alive and a good distance away from answering hard questions from the authorities.
I can say that originally my idea of martial arts was a more aggressive and physically oriented win, i.e., beating my adversary so bad and into such a deep state of submission, where the degree of force was to take them out hard, fast and completely - all of it taking me so far out of the self-defense circle that I would not have justifiable reasons to apply those winning techniques.
Winning to me, today, is about knowing the depths and breadth of what conflict and violence is and all the complex but necessary things it takes to know it, recognize it and then avoid it except in some rare, very rare if you do it right, cases where I hope allows me to act in a manner that is will within the circle and acceptable reasonable and prudent concerns of society and the legal professions.
I still wonder that with human nature, instinctual survival nature of humans, if it is even possible to live without that urge to win and to be a winner. Is it because of the mind-set conditioning of modern society? Is it because we truly cannot exist without the winning mind? Can society exists without conflict and violence: all levels, all kinds, etc.?
I can still imagine the thrill we all get when we win. It doesn’t matter whether we actually participate in the sport, it can be felt when our home team wins the national title. We manifest a winner and loser mind-state when we other those outside our tribe and assign them a loser status without even a competition. Can humans exist without the distinctions?
In the end, winning and losing is here and here to stay - for the foreseeable future. So, as martial artists who teach self-defense we have a duty to teach about winning and losing but of the type that allows us to think of a win in a way that fosters less actual physical violence and more mutual beneficial results, i.e., like running over fighting and so on.
This brings up the subject that goes hand in hand with the winner/loser model, a perception of the mocho man like model. Maybe redefining what a win is …..
Now, you have to be asking yourself the question, “What is wrong with winning?” Actually, nothing - BUT - when it comes to conflict and violence a distinction must be made. It is made so that you can redirect your monkey’s desire to only win to a goal of winning that involves avoidance, development of distance and most of all, if it comes to it, staying within the self-defense circle. Winning in sports is good. There are a lot of things one learns through sports, competition and winning. Where it fails in my perspective is when winning becomes everything in all things rather than a sport oriented goal. Winning can be achieved for everyone as well by focusing on those things that you did well and change those things you did not well - that is a win as well and who knows, it might mean winning overall the next competition.
We just don’t take the model of winning beyond the, “I win, you lose.” In that model, in some instances it is not enough or it is absolutely the wrong attitude to not lose in conflicts, especially with violence. Take the concept of “winning” beyond the obvious and make winning a concept that helps everyone win in those appropriate circumstances then go all out to win in sport oriented competitions.
Going back to the basics, “make sure you win in violence and the adversary loses.” Now, how you accomplish that win is another matter, see below.
Primary Bibliography of Self-Defense:
MacYoung, Marc. "In the Name of Self-Defense: What It Costs. When It’s Worth It." Marc MacYoung. 2014.
Miller, Rory Sgt. "Meditations of Violence: A Comparison of Martial Arts Training & Real World Violence" YMAA Publishing. 2008.
Secondary Bibliography of Self-Defense:
Ayoob, Massad. “Deadly Force: Understanding Your Right to Self-Defense”Gun Digest Books. Krouse Publications. Wisconsin. 2014.
Goleman, Daniel. "Emotional Intelligence: 10th Anniversary Edition [Kindle Edition]." Bantam. January 11, 2012.
Miller, Rory. "ConCom: Conflict Communications A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication." Amazon Digital Services, Inc. 2014.
Miller, Rory and Kane, Lawrence A. "Scaling Force: Dynamic Decision-making under Threat of Violence." YMAA Publisher. New Hampshire. 2012
Miller, Rory. "Force Decisions: A Citizen's Guide." YMAA Publications. NH. 2012.
Miller, Rory Sgt. "Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected." YMAA Publishing. 2011.
Elgin, Suzette Haden, Ph.D. "More on the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense." Prentice Hall. New Jersey. 1983.
Elgin, Suzette. "The Last Word on the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" Barnes & Noble. 1995
Morris, Desmond. “Manwatching: A Field Guide to Human Behavior.” Harry N. Abrams. April 1979.
Elgin, Suzette. "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" Barnes & Noble. 1993.
Elgin, Suzette. "The Gentle Art of Written Self-Defense" MJF Books. 1997.
Maffetone, Philip Dr. “The Maffetone Method: The Holistic, Low-stress, No-Pain Way to Exceptional Fitness.” McGraw Hill, New York. 2000
Strong, Sanford. “Strong on Defense_ Survival Rules to Protect you and your Family from Crime.” Pocket Books. New York. 1996.
and more … see blog bibliography.
My Blog Bibliography
Cornered Cat (Scratching Post): http://www.corneredcat.com/scratching-post/
Kodokan Boston: http://kodokanboston.org
Mario McKenna (Kowakan): http://www.kowakan.com
Mokuren Dojo: http://www.mokurendojo.com
McYoung’s Musings: http://macyoungsmusings.blogspot.com
Martial Views: http://www.martialviews.com
Shinseidokan Dojo: http://shinseidokandojo.blogspot.com
The Classi Budoka: https://classicbudoka.wordpress.com
Wim Demeere’s Blog: http://www.wimsblog.com
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